Realizations

Number one: What things make me happy. I'm an analytical person, so everyday, I evaluate the day and how I feel it went. A lot of the time, I feel empty and, if it makes sense, hungry. I feel a void, and I usually know what's missing. Some days, though, I feel good and full of love. Now, the question is what's the difference between the hungry days and the full days. It's not hard. I know it even before the evaluation. Scripture study. Honest, fervent scripture study is the one thing that can be the difference between an okay day and a great day. Scripture study is a time for me to spend time with my Heavenly Father. What could be more important? It's been a long time coming, but I've finally realized that scripture study is the most important thing I can do everyday. It should be my top priority because everything else, although good when put in its proper place, when unaccompanied by scripture study, leaves me hungry. When I have had a good scripture study session, all the other things become natural: being charitable, being happy, wanting to what's right, etc. So, scripture study is the answer to being closer to being who I want to be. But I find that sometimes I fell like I have two selves. One is not so intelligent. The other is more intelligent. The not so smart self wants to cruise the internet, watch movies, read, hang out with friends, and stuff like that all day. It thinks that will make me happy for some reason. The smarter self knows that studying the scriptures, praying, and going to the temple are the things that really will make me happy. And I guess I just have to decide everyday which self I'm going to listen to. I just have to conquer that less intelligent self and choose to put scripture study first. Then everything else will be much easier.

Number two: How to measure the worth of an individual. This one I'm still working on. But basically, I've realized that I that I value people (mostly myself) according to usefulness. I have taught myself that a person is only valuable if that person can contribute consistently to God's plan. That contribution I always thought meant always serving, working, doing. I thought I always had to be doing everything I could to be of value. Because I am a fairly sedentary individual, I never meet this lofty definition of worth.  I mentally flog myself constantly for never doing enough. Recently, I've started thinking that maybe my system of measuring worth is faulty. I don't know what started me thinking this. I think it was probably something I heard in Sunday school or Relief Society. Something like how God loves us because we are His and not because of what we do or achieve. I think that we as humans try to value ourselves according to what is tangible: our achievements, abilities, work ethics, talents, etc. If we use this to gage ourselves, we will always find that we never measure up--I never have. When I find myself falling short, I feel unwanted, and this makes me feel like I can't do anything. It leaves me trapped because I want to be better, but I feel so inadequate that I feel like I can't be better, and then I don't become better. But! When I think that God loves me just for existing, the pressure is gone, and I feel so much more uplifted. I am of worth, and every other person in this whole existence is too. This leads to a positive outlook that allows me to improve myself. I feel good, and when I feel good, I can do good. I am empowered and can do those things that I used to think defined me. I have the motivation to work hard, cultivate talents, and make and achieve goals. It's not easy to completely change my perspective on this. I often find myself thinking negatively because I didn't accomplish all I thought I should. But it's something I'm trying to work on. I guess this realization leads to a new goal: no mental flogging.